Anonymous said: do you find it exhausting to love people the way you do? do you feel sad by the end of the day?
i’m in tender with a lot of people, in sweet with a handful and a half, can cute around as much as i do, but i don’t love very easily. so on a day-to-day run it’s not very exhausting, but that’s primarily because i distract myself very often with little things, with small details, with textures and slight nuances and giant gulps full of air and laughter! the collection of laughter of people i love. small, soft smiles. so no, the small loves that i know here, the small loves that i have met and have known in this too-small too-large city of new york, no, it’s not exhausting. it’s liberating. i love loving the people that i love. it gives me light, dude. it gives me such immensity. but yes. yes, fine. when it comes down to it, when i have a moment to myself and let myself think about the past few months, the past few years, when i think about the geographical obstacles, the hundreds of thousands of miles that keep me from so much of my heart, when i think of all the who’s that i think of when i think of the places that i want to go, yes it hurts, but i’m only human, and when i’m alone — when i have the luxury of time to miss — boy, that’s all i do. it’s sweet and it’s repetitive, this missing business. i run loops of the same memory, of being a young child standing on the balls of my feet touching the lace of a blue dress, the hem of a wave on this sea of the woman who i could never call mama but did anyways, when i think about how so many of the people who know me best are scattered overseas and across the continent, sure it makes me sad, but i feel their love. i feel it, i do. it’s exhausting to love people that you can’t touch, that you can’t hold onto, but we do it anyways, hoping that they can feel that we love them, no matter how far apart. and here, for the people close, always close by — love shouldn’t exhaust you. loving shouldn’t exhaust you. it should move you deeper, closer into the world. man, it makes my days so warm. to love and be loved in return, with good intentions, with warm hands. isn’t that all there is here? isn’t that all there is?